Can You Turn Off Love?

My wife made only two attempts at contacting me yesterday, after her plane landed in Florida. She texted a question mark around 7:30 in the evening. She followed with a phone call several minutes later. I didn’t answer. Quite a difference from her frantic attempts on Thursday.

The distraction of spending time with friends and family made getting through yesterday easier. So I’m sure my wife’s vacation activities and the people she’s spending time with in Florida are allowing her to avoid painful emotions.

Still, thoughts of our relationship never leave my mind completely. I want to talk with my wife. I want to hear how her day went. I want to know how she’s feeling. I miss her.

I suppose it would be better for me to keep in mind the kind of person I saw her be on Wednesday. The kind of person she has demonstrated being since her affair was revealed. The kind of person she was even prior to all this. But, I don’t.

I only see the person I love.

Plane Landed

When I met with my wife’s parents yesterday, I asked her mom to call me when my wife’s plane landed. I wanted to know she got there safely. Her mom called me at 10:00 this morning. She said my wife called and said she just landed in Florida. Her mom said my wife was crying and asked her to please check on me to make sure I was okay. That I wasn’t answering her. She was calling from the airport and said she couldn’t really talk. So the conversation was short.

Her mom told me she will tell my wife she called me and just asked if I was okay; that I said I am; and, that nothing else was said. Short and sweet. I think my wife just wants to know what I’m thinking or doing. So her mom will not provide her with any insight. I am so not liking this, but it appears to be the best approach. It appears to be making her think about the relationship.

Feeling Alone

Prior to visiting my parent’s last night, I went to the mall to kill some time. I’m not much of a shopper. The mall has always been a bit of a foreign place for me. But that night, walking the corridors filled with people, I felt even more alienated.

For over half my life, my identity has been intertwined with that of my wife’s. Even something as simple as going to a store was done with the feeling of being a couple. It’s not that I didn’t have my own identity. But, that identity was based on a foundation that included my wife.

Before I go to bed, I place my wedding band on the dresser. It’s something I always do because my fingers tend to swell when I sleep. This morning, as I start to place the ring back on my finger, my heart sinks a little. Does this ring continue to have any meaning?

Texts In The Night

I’m still hoping this is a story of reconciliation. I want to perform some type of grand gesture that will allow her to see it’s okay to try. But the fact remains, my wife is on her way to Florida until Tuesday. She has given me no indication she is willing to put forth any effort to work things out. I cling only to a small thread of hope that she hasn’t completely committed to ending the relationship.

After her final voice mail last night, I received the following texts. I present them below with the time stamp and my commentary.

8:20 PM “So much I need to tell u. I understand what u know and why u hate me.” I am not sure what she thinks I know and that makes me anxious. I’ve never said I hated her or expressed any ill will towards her. My guess is that she thinks I hate her because I am not answering her calls and texts. It makes me want to call her and tell her that’s not the case. But, I don’t.

8:31 PM “I have no excuses for u and I think u deserve someone that appreciates u-not someone that is horrible and mean. Until the day I die I won’t forgive myself. But the truth is if I was really in our marriage I would have never done this stuff.” This one hurts because it tells me she didn’t feel married to me. Didn’t love or respect me. Yet, for some reason, I can’t help but think that we could build a relationship that would allow for those things. Maybe that’s only because she hasn’t even given us a chance to work on the relationship.

9:42 PM “U r really not going to speak to me? Ok.” I was so temped to call. I felt like I really needed to make a connection. But, I kept reminding myself that it would not work. My wife is only reaching out because, for the first time, I’m the one not available.

10:18 PM “U know we did have some great times but we just couldn’t make them last. Im sorry I didn’t try harder.” What I don’t get is why she thinks it is too late to try now. Why can’t she at least make some effort? Why is running from the problems the only solution?

10:33 PM “Please talk to me. Are u home?” I left my parent’s house and got home just before the 8:20 text came. With her last voice mail, I thought I was going to have some relief from the torturous barrage of calls, texts, and voice mails. Unfortunately, my night alone was painful.

11:05 PM “I’m I guess I will not bother u anymore I’m sorry.” And that was her last message. At least until she woke me up the next morning with another one.

4:01 AM “Life will be better for u without a liar in your life.” Is she trying to make me feel better about this or feel sorry for her? I’m not sure. I guess I’m not even sure she’s not going to be with a guy in Florida.

4:36 AM “May I call u later today?” My guess is she will. But, I’ll do my best not to respond until Tuesday.

Personal

My wife and I have always been private people. Writing this blog has been very therapeutic for me. But tonight, I’m also feeling like I shouldn’t be revealing these things. Like I am violating my wife’s trust. Maybe I’m feeling that way because it appears my wife is now vulnerable. I want to protect her. I still love her more than anything.

Only a few people who are close to me know about this blog. I suppose I would have no problem telling them these things in person. And I’m not using our names. So anyone else who may stumble upon these entries would not know they are coming from me. Still, I feel bad.

An hour or so after her last voice mail, my wife started texting me again. That will probably be my next entry, if I decide to keep this going. Too tired now…

Relentless

The calls, voice mails, and texts continue throughout the night. Almost non-stop. My wife continues to ask me to call her. Not answering her hurts me so badly. But for some reason, I’m not as anxious. Probably because this is the most attention I’ve received from her in over a month. Nevertheless, hearing her voice each time makes me want to call her more and more.

I went to my parent’s for diner after work. I remained there for the evening. I had a feeling my wife would stop at our house after work. She did. I received a voice mail with her crying and saying she was at the house and she needed me to call her. Her next message was stern, she was coming in the house unless I called.

Her next message was in a very angry tone. She said she was in the house. If I didn’t call her, she was taking something and I would have to figure out what the fuck she took. I didn’t call. She leaves another message saying she is not joking. When that didn’t work, she left a message saying she took something from the house that I can’t function without. “So there.” I still didn’t call. So another message is left, saying she took my computer and that I couldn’t have it back unless I called before she leaves for Florida.

That didn’t work either. So she left another message. Back to crying. “I don’t care what you think, I’ve always loved you and I will always love you. And I’m sorry I did what I did to you. You deserve much better. And I’m sorry.” My heart was breaking, as I listened to her voice. Maybe she was trying to make me feel sorry for her as a form of manipulation. But it was working.

Then she left her final voice mail of the night. “I didn’t take anything from the house. I’m sorry. Bye.”

A Divorce?

My wife makes another dozen calls, if not more. All ignored. Left a few voice mail messages, text messages, and an e-mail asking that I call her. She wants to talk to me before she goes to Florida. All ignored. And then a text asking, “do you want a divorce?”

While these messages flood my mobile devices, I visit my wife’s parents. I drop off her passport and social security card. Had a good conversation with her mom and dad. Her dad tells me that I’m doing right by not responding. He says she will never change, if I keep answering her. Both have been very supportive of me through this mess.

She Wants A Divorce

Another voice mail at 1:45, this time in a very nice voice, “Can you please just call me? It has nothing to do with what I need.” Then she sends a text, “Just call me. I won’t come over anymore. We can work with the attorneys.” She calls again at 1:47, but no message. Doesn’t seem like she is going to stop.

And then she sends this text, “My heart is just not in our marriage and since you won’t call me I’m telling you on the phone that I think i want a divorce. I can’t do this anymore. I’m so exhausted trying to pretend with you. Honestly I just can’t b married. I’m a bad person to you and you deserve much better.” She calls again and I don’t answer.

Torture

It’s torturing me. My wife calls again at 1:30 and leaves an angry voice mail, “Look, if I can’t come over, then I’ll have my dad or mom come over. But you need to let me know.” What she doesn’t know is that I have already spoken with her mom. I told her mom what has been going on and that I would be dropping off the passport. Her mom said my wife is just upset because she is no longer in control. She said I should resist taking to her – make her wonder what I’m doing for a change.

Our Goodbye?

Another call from my wife at around 11:30. This time she left a message saying she has called at least five times and she’s asking me to call her back. Then a text message which is just a question mark. Then two more calls. And then the following text at 12:45 which really tugs at my heart strings: “So your goodbye to me on the phone last night was our goodbye?” That one makes me want to call. I’m trying to stay strong. This is getting difficult. I hate this. I hate this whole mess.