Passport?

Around 10:30 my wife texts me again, “What is your schedule like today I need to get my passport- when am I allowed in the house.” She followed with a phone call that went unanswered. Ugh! Does she really need her passport? First she has mentioned it. Not sure why she would need it for a trip to Florida. I don’t feel comfortable not allowing her access to what is hers. But, it’s not like she is locked out. She just previously said she would always call before she came over. So if she really needs it, there’s nothing stopping her from getting it. But until she returns from vacation, I really want to maintain my plan of no contact. She leaves tomorrow morning. For now at least, I will not respond.

Prodding

Around 9:30 another text appears from my wife, “Since u have decided not to respond I’m not sure what u want me to do.” I’m not sure why she is asking me what I want her to do. My guess is that she will continue texting me. Probably say things she believes will provoke a response. As the day goes on, I feel more inclined to respond. But, doing so would likely be pointless.

My idea of the kind of person I thought my wife was is starting to ware off. I guess dealing with this pain for over a month now, pretty much non stop, has started to make me sick of feeling. There must be someone better for me out there. I need to start thinking about what I really got out of being in a relationship with my wife.

A Step Away

I awoke less panicked and depressed than I thought I would feel. The anxiety and sadness still take the forefront. But I’m almost too exhausted to fuel the emotions. I’m starting to think more about surviving without my wife. She texted me at 7:30 this morning, “I’m sorry for hurting you.” Normally, I would be quick to express forgiveness. I would apologize myself. An hour has passed and I’ve continued to ignore the text. I’m trying my best to focus on myself rather than what she is doing. Struggling a bit to do this. But I feel like it’s a step in the right direction.

Pushin’ Too Hard

Every time I see my wife, my heart melts. I love her that much. But, there’s only so much abuse I can take. She came over tonight with no intent of having a meaningful conversation. Instead, she took an annoyed and angry stance. In an inpatient manner, all but rolling her eyes, she asked what I wanted to talk about.

I told my wife that I just wanted to explore ways we can work on the issues with our marriage. Like I mentioned in my text, maybe one idea would be to designate one or two days a week when we will talk about our issues. That way, we may not feel as anxious about whether issues will be brought up during other times we meet.

My wife just responded angrily. She asked in an annoyed voice, that means we just be fake and ignore the problems the other times? Trying to be as non-confrontational as possible, I said again that it may make things easier for us. My wife said in a short voice, “Whatever. So we’ll meet on Thursdays. What else?”

I said that I didn’t have a thought-out list of suggestions. That I just wanted to sit with her and talk about things me might be able to do. She just continued to be resistant to the conversation. I suggested maybe having another day where we just reminisce about good times we’ve had together. She scoffed at that.

She then proceeded to tell me how angry she is about everything. She said she just wants to do the things that make her happy. She said she joined a dance studio. I asked her if we could do that together. She said no, she didn’t want to do a anything with me. She said she doesn’t feel like she can be herself around me.

The conversation pretty much just went on like that. My wife was being so mean. There was no love in her at all. She then just got up, grabbed some winter jackets and the travel bag she came for, and stormed out. I didn’t try to stop her.

Minutes after she left, she called me. At that point, I had enough of her walking on me. I just told her in a calm voice that I can’t take this anymore. That I don’t deserve this kind of treatment. She continued to say something in her angry voice. I don’t remember what she said. She then asked what I wanted her to do? I said she didn’t have to do anything. She asked what I was going to do. Calmly and exasperated, I said I was going to hang-up the phone. There was some sort of angry retort on her part. I just said, goodbye [her name]…and hung-up.

Several minutes later she called again. I didn’t answer. She called again. I let it ring. I let a total of 5 calls go to voicemail. She then sent a text that read, “I don’t understand what u want me to do. I tell u how I feel and I’m wrong. If I don’t share with u I’m wrong. What do you want?” I didn’t respond. Hours later, she sent another text. Just a question mark. I did not respond.

I think I need to start proceeding as if the relationship is over. The pain is just too much to deal with otherwise. I just need to put her out of my mind. It’s not going to be easy. But, for at least this evening, I feel it is what I need to do. I probably won’t answer her texts or calls until she returns from Florida.

Prelude To A Conversation

I awoke this morning thinking about all the expensive furniture my wife bought for her apartment; the king-sized bed; the negligees she had hanging in her closet; the plans she has for buying more furniture; and her up-coming four day trip to Florida. There doesn’t appear to be any effort on her part to work on our relationship. It’s as if she wants me around just to help her feel good about the choices she has made.

I decided I would make an attempt to set some sort of framework around what we are doing. Find out where we stand. Create a little less uncertainty for myself. My wife was already planning on coming over after work to pick-up some travel gear. So I called her around lunch time. We talked a little about her trip. And then I asked her if we could talk about the relationship for a bit tonight. She immediately became cold.

I said that I just wanted to talk about where we stand. She responded by saying that she wasn’t going to Florida to fool around on me. I said that’s not what I was getting at. Argumentatively, she said she knew that’s what I wanted to know. I said I was just looking to discuss how we are proceeding. If she is saying we will remain faithful, that is fine. But, I was really just hoping to discuss how we are going to do things. She said fine, we’ll discuss it tonight. She then hung-up on me.

So I texted her. “Are you okay?” After several minutes my wife responded with, “I’m fine. I was on the phone. I’m working. I’m not at lunch. I can’t just stop what I’m doing to answer a text.” I answered, “K. I just noticed your demeanor changed when I asked you to discuss where we stand tonight.” She texted, “I’m sorry but I just don’t know what to say. And now I am going to discuss this with u tonight. And I don’t have anything to say that u want to hear. So now I’m anxious again.”

I responded, “Anxious b/c you don’t want to hurt my feelings?” She answered, “Not that. We can talk tonight. I know I’ve messed up a lot with us. And I do have some guilt. But I still feel like I need to do this. And I know it’s wrong.”

I responded, “K. But just so u know, I wasn’t asking for an ‘answers’ type conversation. I think it’s prob premature for that. More along the lines of discussing ground rules for the lack of a better term. Like agreeing to discuss the relationship for a half hour, once a wk. Or something like that.”

She said okay. I guess we’ll see…

Lies

Last night wasn’t the first time I was at my wife’s apartment. Several weeks ago, I had a free morning. So I decided to swing by her place to see where she was living. I walked up to the door and could see through the front window. I was shocked. A room full of expensive furniture. A leather couch and chair and a flat screen TV.

I was shocked because my wife had been claiming she was living in her apartment unfurnished. She told both me and her mom that she was just sitting on the floor. In reality, she had the exact same expensive living room set that we have at our house. My heart raced with anxiety. She was still telling lies.

I wanted to confront her. But I didn’t say anything. Later that night, my wife came over. The topic of which items she wanted from the house came up. I asked her if she had decided what she wanted to take. One of her responses was that she wanted a flat screen TV and then either our living room set or the dining room table.

Could I have gotten the address wrong? I had double checked it. And what are the odds that the exact same living room set would be at the wrong address? So I asked her which one she would prefer to have, the living room set or the table? She replied, the table.

Ya. That was the right address. She was manipulating me. She knew I would chose the living room set over a table. So I answered, no. I’d rather have the table. She got belligerent. She said she needed a table and never mentioned the living room set again.

For weeks after that, she continued to tell me and her mom that she had no furniture. It wasn’t until about a week ago that she said she had some furniture delivered and bought a TV. She is such a good lier that a part of me still wanted to think maybe I got the wrong address. Of course, last night confirmed her lies.

Baby Steps

Much to my surprise, my wife invited me out to diner. Even more surprising, she asked if I wanted to see her apartment after diner. I agreed to both. But I knew seeing her apartment would be gut wrenching.

At diner, my wife said she thought it would be good for me to see her apartment so…and then she stopped herself. I asked her why? And she just said because she thought it would be good for me to see it. Towards the end of diner, she said it again. This time adding, “…if we’re going to work on the relationship.” My heart skipped a beat. But I didn’t let on like it was anything significant.

We then went to her apartment, which is more like a condo in a gated community. She just happens to be paying rent. Seeing the expensive furniture she bought and listening to her talk about additional furniture she will be getting was so difficult. But I kept positive. She also showed me the community center. Everything looked very nice.

We hung out for a bit. As I was leaving, I gave her a hug and a kiss. I asked for a “real” kiss, but she said we need to take baby steps. Figured that would happen, but I had to at least try.

Not sure what to make of this. But it seems like she is willing to work on the relationship. On the other hand, I see no signs of her returning anytime soon. I wish I knew what she was thinking. She can be so deceptive, it’s never easy to tell.

Am I Just Being A Sucker?

My family, close friends, and perhaps the logical side of my brain believe my wife has no intent of working on the marriage. That she is never coming back. She throws me just enough crumbs to keep me in tow. Why? A little of it may be fear. Maybe she is concerned with how it looks. Maybe she feels bad she is hurting me. Maybe taking smaller steps makes her adjustment easier.

My emotional side won’t let me accept it is over. But I fear that upon her return from Florida, my wife will be ready to end it all. Her previous comment about wanting to wait until the end of the holidays was a big clue. Her unwillingness to talk about the relationship and concern I may think things are turning the other way is another clue. Just typing this almost brings me to tears.

Communication Skills

Returning to her apartment from a three hour pedicure, my wife gave me a call. In the past couple of days, I haven’t tried to discuss our relationship. I’ve kept my demeanor light. I’ve been affectionate. My wife has taken notice of that. She said she believes I think things are better now, but they are not. I told her that I still get anxious and depressed. But, that I was just expressing how I felt when I was around her. Just being natural.

My wife said she has always had difficulty doing that. As a result, she has grown cold. And not just cold to me, to a lot of people. So for years and years, she has been unable to express her feelings. That is one of the reasons our relationship got to where it did. My wife said this in a very sincere and honest sounding manner. It was the first sign I’ve seen that suggests she may be thinking about the cause of her behavior.

One of the things that I believed help bring this out tonight is that when my wife spoke, I let her finish. And then I repeated my understanding of what she said before giving my thoughts. This seemed to make her more comfortable. It let her know I was really listening. It allowed her to open up a little more.

Different Places

A few minutes after my wife hung-up on me, I pathetically called her back. Apologized. Again, assuring her I was just joking around. That it didn’t bother me she was getting her eyebrows waxed. She said these are things she normally does and it doesn’t mean she’s having fun. I told her I understood. I was in no way implying what she thought. She then agreed to meet for lunch.

We met at the parking lot of the restaurant. I gave her a kiss and we entered the restaurant. The conversation was light. She was mostly quiet, as usual. When we were done, we returned to our house. My wife needed to take some nail polish removed. While there, I continued to be friendly. Not talk about the relationship. Tried to be affectionate.

My wife obviously didn’t feel comfortable showing any type of affection. She said she just isn’t in the same place yet. That it would feel forced, if she did. I told her that I understood. She said she would call or see me again after the pedicure.